Find Something To Love

I used to hate mornings. They suck. You get woken up from a good dream and your blankets have accepted you as one of them as you slept. Now you are laying in the most cozy place known to man, and usually you have no choice but to get up. I hate that part. 

Because I hate getting up so much, I have developed a routine. I give myself extra time. Not to put on make up or watch the news. I make a quick cup of coffee or tea and I sit. No TV. No phone. Just me and one of my cats who is purring away. I hate getting up still, but I love mornings. 

You have to find something you enjoy. Especially if you are looking for something you enjoy during something you detest. Live in the now. You hate going to work, but right now you are sitting in your comfy pajamas, sipping some tasty warm beverage. Love that. Love the music on the ride to work. Love the chair you sit in or the customers you deal with at work. Struggling to love mornings taught me that I can love my day even if I’m doing things I would rather not be doing. And in time, I’ll be doing exactly what I want to do. 

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A Little Something Special For You

Sometimes I get that feeling that I am boring. I’m not very special, and there are other people that are far more interesting than me. I don’t get that feeling just when I’m depressed though, I get it randomly. Weather or not I’m trying to progress in life or just sitting there watching the cat’s sleep. I get it.

I realized something though. No matter how many other people can write better than me. No matter how many other people have the exact same hair style or taste in music, no matter how many people like chocolate and vanilla ice cream but do not like them in a twist ice cream, I will be the only me. There will never be another combination of human traits quite like me. That of the 7.5 Billion people on this plant, I am the only one that ever is, was, or ever will be.

I think that’s something special, don’t you? I think that each and every one of us is as special as the next person because we are rare. As a species, not really so rare, at least not on Earth. But individually we are so rare that we are all on the endangered list. We are all a protected life form, because we are so rare. And that is why we have to treat each person that we bump into with love and respect.

That is why you have to treat yourself with love and respect, undoubtedly. 

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The Road to Self Love

My apologies. I’ve not been writing for a while. I’ve started this new job of mine and been busy trying to balance the work life, my health and my time off. That is the main thing. Balance. 

 

What comes first in your life? Is it your health? Your job? Happiness? Family or friends? To some, the answer is obvious. Their image means most to them and they will do all that they can to make sure that their image is not damaged. This is usually very bad for their health, and for the relationships that they have in their life. Then there are those who put their health first. These are the people who tend to be happiest, even if they don’t have everything worked out yet, their mental and physical health is taken care of and they are fully capable of handling what life throws at them. And then there are those who put everyone else first. Neither their image or their health matters most, and these kind souls are usually the ones that burn out. They take care of others as long as possible and then burn right out, like a candle that ran out of wick. I used to be, and sometimes still can be, this type of person. I would sacrifice my happiness to make someone else happy and it wasn’t until my last friendship failure that I realized what I really needed to do. I needed to focus less on others, and more on myself because you simply cannot pour from a pot that is empty. And trust me, I’d love to share all that I have.

These days, I come first. At first, I felt selfish. Very selfish. I don’t like turning people down because of my ‘health issues’. I don’t like making them feel like they don’t matter to me but even if I were to try and help another while I’m in a bad state of mind, I wouldn’t be giving them my all. In the back of my mind, I would be thinking of myself. I would be  halfheartedly listening to their problems or questions. How would that help them? It wouldn’t help either of us, and a real friend would want to help, to really help. Sometimes help comes in the form of just an ear, open and willing to hear. Other times, that help comes out in what you can do for them. You have to be working at full capacity to be there for another.

Luckily, self care isn’t hard to do. It’s not tedious, it’s not terribly time consuming. At first, though, it can feel overwhelming. And lots of people might not understand the sudden changes you are making. You might not even fully understand them. I will give you a few tips, things that I’ve learned, but of course you must know that I’m no expert. I’m just journeying on this path, wandering more like. I too have been lost, and at times I still am lost. All that I can do is give you tidbits of knowledge that I have found through my own experiences. I can’t make you see the truth or feel any kind of way. I can pour you the cup of tea but I cannot make you drink it and I cannot make it heal you. That is what you can do for yourself.

So I ask you this, with this post and all posts you will come across in my blog, I ask you to be open. You won’t agree with everything that I say and that’s okay. I ask that you also do not judge. Take what you need and leave the rest. I won’t be offended or hurt. You’re you, not me. Everything that works for me won’t work for you. But most of all, I ask that you take a moment, now or later, to be honest with yourself. To give yourself a moment to just feel. To just love yourself. You can do so in many ways, and I’ll tell you a few now.

The first thing I learned about self love was that I have to love myself. This has always been hard for me. I grew up being told I was a bad child because I threw fits, I was defiant, and I stole from my mom and stores. I did so because I was battling for control of my own life and I was losing simply because I was the ‘child’. My mom has the mental capacity of a child, and once I surpassed her, the problems really began. Things got worse when I needed more, new clothes or personal hygiene items. I began craving real food, rather than the fake cheap stuff she would buy for me. There were many battles, and because I started defying her and stealing money from her to buy the things I needed (or just stealing them from the store), I was known as the bad child. And because I wasn’t getting the healthy food that I was craving, I began to gain weight. Thank you puberty. My hormones made me become insulin resistant (a side effect of PCOS) and I gained weight but have never lost it, regardless of how much I’ve tried. So here I sit, 240 pounds. I’m technically overweight. Everything makes me look bad, I think. So the first step to self love was hard. Still is hard. I’ve got it in my head that all I do is fuck up, and that I’m gross. But I sit here telling you, no matter your size, color, hair style, income or mental status, you are god damn beautiful. You are a masterpiece. You own you, and you own it well. Lift up your head, walk with your chin up, and make eye contact with those around you. Smile. Even if it feels weird at first, I promise it begins to feel good. When you walk into a room with your head held high, there will be a sense of confidence about you that others wish they had. This isn’t to make anyone jealous, it’s to create that confidence in yourself. Holding your head high is the first thing you can do to promote self love.

Secondly, get enough sleep. Please. Calculate when you should go to bed, get at least 6 hours of sleep, but if it’s possible get 8. Fall asleep in your comfiest clothes (or lack of). Hug your pillow. Make friends with the bed. You need sleep to survive. You have to dream to be healthy. There have been many studies done on the topic, I even did a paper in school about the effect of dreams on health. Did you know that people who don’t get enough REM sleep have lowered immune systems and are more susceptible to stress, depression and mental illness? So go to sleep. Take a nap! If you’re yawning and you have time, take a nap instead of make another cup of coffee.

Third, eat something good. I don’t mean brownies with peanut butter frosting. I mean go to the store, buy a pomegranate and some kale. Snack on the pomegranate seeds, put the kale on your hamburgers or ham sandwiches. Make salads. Drink tea. Use almond milk, or cage free eggs. Real cheese instead of processed cheese. Real meat instead of processed meat. Drink water. Eat something that is good for your body. Start small, make it a habit. Have an apple a day. Use almond milk creamer in your coffee. Snack on nuts instead of chips. Start small and add to it. Don’t just overwhelm yourself with foods that you have no idea how to even use. And yes, they can be more expensive. That’s where my next tip will come in handy.

Guess what, kale is super cheap. So is spinach. And peppers. But do you want to know what’s cheaper? Seeds. Grow something. Even if you start with easy herbs. Cilantro, chives, mint, parsley, dill, basil, oregano, ect. Use those super fresh herbs in your food. You’ll come back later and thank me. Once you’ve mastered growing those, go grab some pepper or tomato seeds. Those tend to be easy to grow. Spinach, kale and cabbage, onions, garlic, cucumbers, squash and carrots are also easy. All of these can be grown in pots too, so you can grow them on a balcony. And you’ll have fresh food to eat, that costed you less than a dollar. The dirt and pots can cost a little more money that one would want. Get the dirt on sale, or in bulk, and pots are sold at dollar trees, and can be made out of many things as well. Herbs and small plants can be grown in anything. Cups, bowls, bottles, coffee cans ect. Be inventive. 🙂

The next two can fall into the same category. They are also the two that I would stand on a box and yell out to everyone. Meditate or do yoga. (Or both.) I know, a lot of people feel that yoga is a fad, and I can’t blame them. It seems that there are many going around, like the gluten free diet that possibly has no positive effect on people who aren’t gluten intolerant and is expensive just because it’s a fad. Yoga is not that kind of fad. Yoga has many many benefits, proven benefits. And it doesn’t have to be expensive. You don’t need a yoga mat to do it, just something you won’t slip on. However, if you can afford it, do get one. It makes yoga life easier. And there are thousands of yoga videos on youtube. The one I started out with was Yoga with Adriene. Branch out and find what works for you. Adriene has many many other videos, but I like her because she encourages you to not be perfect. Take breaks when you need to. If you can’t do a pose, don’t freak out because before you know it you’ll be doing it like a pro. As for meditation, I’ve been told many excuses as to why someone can’t do it. “My mind won’t quiet down enough.” “I tried it and it didn’t have an effect.” Well, meditation’s effects aren’t seen as quickly as something like yoga. Meditation can take a month or so for you to actually see an effect. Stick with it. It will help, but it takes time to form the habit and to change your brain (and yes, meditation can alter your brain.) When you meditate, and your mind won’t stay quiet, just keep sitting there. You are a mountain. Imagine yourself as such. Your thoughts are clouds, and they are passing by. Meditation is not about clearing your mind, it is about living in that moment. Know that the thought is there, and just let it be. Don’t think on it, don’t try to force it out, and don’t give up. It will pass. Focus on your breathing. In, out. In, out. Deeply, using your stomach, not your chest. Slowly, deeply. In, out. If it helps to light a candle and focus on the flame, or an incense and focus on the smoke, do that. Your mind might never be completely quiet, but that’s okay because you’re human.

The last tip I’m going to give you today is to be honest with yourself. Don’t lie to yourself or try to convince yourself of anything. You feel what you feel, you think what you think and that won’t change if you give yourself the illusion that it has. If you want something to change, work on it, but don’t convince yourself that it has already changed. The same goes for weather or not it should change. As long as you harm no-one, then you are okay. Believe what you want, feel what you feel. Be solid in what you feel and believe, and explore everything else. Be open minded, and if your mind is changed about something, accept it. Don’t fight it, you are progressing. When we refuse to change, we refuse to grow. And when we force ourselves to feel or think another way, we do more self harm. Things have to happen naturally, and when you’re ready, so live in there here and now and let things happen.

Self love takes a while to get used to. Self love isn’t something you can learn, it’s not something you can teach. All that you can do is be open to receive the message that those around you send out, and that your body sends you. Above all else, listen to yourself. Do what feels right to you, step out of your comfort zone at your own pace. Don’t let anyone force you.

Mercury Retrograde

It’s at this point that many of you might turn and run. Mercury is in Retrograde, as of yesterday (31st). I’ve been seeing it’s effect since the 26th though.  I remember the first time I was aware of it too, I had just become really good friends with (a still good friend) who enlightened me to the idea that the planets could mess with us. Yeah, I didn’t believe it 100% at the time, I chalked it all up to superstition. But then, I believe that the moon has an effect on us, on a small level. I had believed that was all the placebo effect though, something I chose to believe so that each month I would have a day to renew and rejuvenate. That month however, I learned the ugly truth. Mercury fucks us when it goes retrograde. That month both my boyfriend and best friend went crazy. My boyfriend, who is highly emotional as it is, had a sort of break down, at the same time that we were discovering that my best friend was back into heroin. Not a good night. At all. I’m pretty sure that my work life was shit at that time too.

Anyway, I’ve tried to tread carefully during these times and since that one month last year, I’ve managed to handle the retrogrades well. Until now. Having just moved to a new state, I’m still learning the ropes and I have a job interview (today actually) and I’m helping my dad around the house and what not. As you might know, the Mercury retrograde tends to mess with communication, decisions, deals and travel. Travel is what’s being messed with here. My dad’s jeep died on the 26th of this month. Dead. Gone. Transmission locked up, missed two days of work. So he spends all day trying to get a loan to fix the stupid thing, and nobody is willing to help due to his bad credit (that his soon to be ex wife had the pleasure of ruining for him). So, he does the only thing he can. Trades in the broken jeep for less than a fourth of it’s value, puts that towards paying off the little that he owed, and signs his name in blood for a new car at the same dealership. So all is well we think. He’s gotta save up some money and it’ll be tight for a few weeks, probably for a month, but we will get through this. He won’t lose his job, he won’t miss any work and yay! Things are great now!

Don’t fool yourself. This morning he finds that there is a coolant leak in the car. OF COURSE! Now we are kind of back to square one, still waiting on some phone calls. He can borrow his dad’s truck for work, but now he’s got this laying neatly right back on his shoulders, and I feel just as stuck as him because I’m in no position to help. Hopefully (knock on wood) I get this job. I’ll let you guys know.

So, what can you do during a Retrograde?

Suggestion. Pray. Pull your tarot cards out. Cleanse your crystals. Meditate. Do yoga. Give up sugar. Drink massive amounts of tea. Smoke wacky-tobaccy. Put your coffee in a leak proof mug. Take precaution, and don’t make any big decisions. Don’t lock yourself into any big deals, like buying a car or a house unless you have to. Even then, double check everything.

I for one have started my day off with ultra creamy pumpkin spice coffee, took the black cat out on the leash (he loves the leash, and I gotta keep the black cat happy just in case). I sat in the fall-ish type weather and soaked up a bit of sun being thankful that the humidity has finally let up some for the rest of the week. I helped my dad get insurance on his new car, and (*update*) got the job. I feel like my luck is charged with positive energy right now and I’m going to cling to that energy without fear that it will leave. That’s it right there, try to bounce back quickly. When Mercury is in retrograde, it is not the time to worry. If you do, you run the high risk of attracting all that you are worried about. Attract that which you want and need, and know that this is only a hiccup in life and like anything else, it will pass in time.

What are some of the things that you can do during a retrograde to get life on the right track? Well, now is a good time to save money, just in case. Put some extra money into savings, and wait until after the retrograde is over to spend it, or use it for the things that go wrong during the retrograde. Go ahead and get some work done, make sure your car is working in proper order (wish I had known this before hand) or fix the leak under the sink. Don’t begin a serious relationship, but revitalize any current relationships you have, even if it’s not a romantic relationship. It’s important to keep clear and open communication during these times, as the Mercury retrograde effects communication and relationships. Most importantly, begin self work, or amp it up. Now is a good time to do so because believe it or not, the positive energy is stronger during this time, if you can focus on that instead of the negative.

Above all else, keep your head in the game, breath deep, and know that this too shall pass. 

What Is The Meaning Behind “The Indigo Way”?

Since I was little I remember thinking way outside of the box. The first instance of this that I remember is when I first learned of Ancient Egypt. I was told that they didn’t have money then, the ancients didn’t deal in coin but instead had a barter system. Almost everyone farmed on a large scale or a small scale. The jobs provided were those that did something for the people, rather than something for the individual. I remember very clearly asking my dad why we were not a part of that system. I understand now why, I mean how many loaves of bread would you have to make in order to trade for an Iphone? And how many wooden chairs can get you a house? The things that we value have grown in value, from small houses that were just what a family needed to houses that are much too large for that family and you have to fill the extra rooms with decorations and electronics. The cars we own are no longer to get us from point A to point B, they are to be our homes away from homes, some even have TV’s or wifi in them. Money is needed for these things. Even the laptop I’m using to write this on now costed money, and I’m sure that I couldn’t have  offered anything to barter to get it.

Since I was little, I couldn’t understand why people fought over land, or resources. “Just share them.” I thought. Why do I have to have permission to cross a boarder into another country. I didn’t see a line on the ground. I didn’t ask to be born an American. So why on Earth do I need to pay all of this money and prove that I’m first a citizen of America, and then prove to the people guarding the boarder that I’m a citizen using the passport I just paid to get, just to go see the Niagra Falls? It’s not even like I live on a separate chunk of land, it’s connected and I still have to prove I am who I say I am! The same goes for moving within the country. Sure, I’m free to pack up and move anytime I want, but if I want to drive, own a house, vote or get things like medical insurance or a library card, I have to prove I’m a citizen of that state. Why? I’m still American, why do I have to be a citizen of this state too? What if I want to move from state to state but also visit the library and check out some books while I’m passing through? The law states that I have to do these things and I never could understand this.

From a young age I have questioned such things. I’ve always wondered why the world was the way it was if it makes no sense. Perhaps there are those who it does make since to, but people like me don’t fall into that category. People like me are what are being referred to as Indigo’s. We aren’t from this time, we don’t conform to the current system. We are here to make a difference.

It is my belief that there are so many of us here today, and there are so many who are discovering their true calling and it’s happening at much quicker rates, because the world is getting ready for a massive change. Our society, weather or not it’s in our life time, will become one that helps the people rather than the few. We are here to make the changes necessary for everyone to become happy and healthy and that is why so many of us are less and less afraid to be who we are truly.  There was a time when I wouldn’t say out loud that I am an empath. I would know things, and someone would ask me how I knew, and I’d shrug and  say “I don’t know.” That’s not a lie, really, I don’t know how I know things, but I know why I know things. I know things because I felt them.

So The Indigo Way  is just a blog from an Indigo’s point of view. It’s me expressing my thoughts and feelings in words, sharing them with like minded people, and introducing them to those who might feel the same, but not know exactly what it is. It’s the Indigo way of life. The Indigo path. And I’ll tell you that it’ll be different for each and every one of us. The only thing that is true for all of us is that we want peace and happiness, knowledge and health but most of all acceptance. We are all here to make the world a better place and to heal this Earth.

If you are interested in learning about Indigo’s I suggest you read about  Nancy Ann Tappe, Jan Tober, and Lee Carroll. You can also look up the term “Indigo Child”. There are documentaries, books, blogs and videos about the topic. I hope that you find everything that you are looking for, and with that you can gain peace of mind and happiness.

Friends Are Forever (?)

“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Every once in a while I find myself going through old pictures, remembering the time this or that happened and at first I get a laugh out of it but it always takes on a darker life in my mind. Those pictures almost always have someone in them that I no longer have in them. Today is one of those days, I’m sad to say. I never even really know how it happens until after I’m already feeling myself become upset. Today it was the birthday notification of someone I’m only ‘facebook friends’ with. I’m not even sure why I allowed that to happen in the first place, maybe I just wanted to know that she was okay and that the door was still open, even if I know I don’t want her to walk through that door back into my life. Maybe I’m just torturing myself. She’s now best friends with someone I grew up with, someone who was considered my very best friend for more than ten years. Someone I told everything to. Funny thing is, both girls were that to me at some point. Once the old best friend met the new best friend (and both were still my best friends) things started to change. I found that the old best friend was talking horribly about me behind my back to my new best friend. I have a zero tolerance policy, so that ended that. New best friend never really talked horribly about me, it was her actions that hurt but unfortunately those actions were always easy for me to forgive because I would always hold a decent amount of guilt about my own actions and it was easy enough to say “most of that was my fault anyway.” Not anymore. Now neither of them are my friends, and they spend all of their time together. Of  all the friends I made in grade school up through high school, I have one very good friend. Almost every single one of them ended up betraying me, and those who didn’t just fell off the planet so to speak. And after that, I’ve only made a hand full of good friends that I can still call good friends.

“Why did you do all this for me?’ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.”
― E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

But what is it about this type of relationship that makes it so hard to handle when things go wrong? It’s different from person to person, but in my case I’ve found that most of them just can’t understand where I’m coming from. Lets take this last friendship as an example. I’m growing, mentally and physically. My body is starting to crave health, and Earth. I want veggies over steak most of the time, I want to walk in nature rather than sit down and watch TV. I want to read and write instead of play video games, and I no longer enjoy window shopping unless it’s to do something with my grandmother. (It’s mostly talking rather than shopping anyway.) My friendships start failing once I progress to a new rung on the growth ladder. I’m leaving them behind. And in a lot of ways, that scares them. They can’t follow, or are unwilling to follow, and they do something to show how scared they are. They create drama, find a new friend, just stop talking to me, ect. There’s nothing I can do to stop it because I’m not going to give up on my self growth, and they aren’t going to put up with their crazy friend that they no longer have anything in common with.

The biggest lesson that I have learned since high school is that it’s okay to lose friends. You don’t have to have 300 friends, in fact you can’t actually have that many real friends. Where I sit today, I can count my good friends on one hand, and I’m okay with that. And they don’t even need to ask who they are, they know. So how do you know if your friends are real friends?

My first clue that I had a real friend was when she got a new boyfriend and started forgetting about me. I got upset, not understanding that this was expected. This was her first boyfriend, and she had been there through my first boyfriend. We didn’t talk (because I refused to) until she got into a car accident and I found out a month later through her mother. I called her up and yelled at her about how much of an asshole she was for not telling me, and asked her if she was okay. She’s fine she tells me, and she’s sorry also. We went back to normal, honestly and completely. That was our first and only fight in just about fifteen years. We knew we were both being silly and we knew we both loved each other.

The second clue was when one of my friends moved away. I never thought I could have a long distance relationship. She had been my roommate for a while and I’d grown to feel like she was a sister to me, so her moving was like losing a part of my family. I cried the night she left after I came home from work, which she had dropped me off at. I sat in her room, staring at all of the books she had left me (both avid readers here) and cried with my bottle of wine in hand. Today? We actually have an appointment to skype at some point. We write letters and send packages when we have the money for things, and we tell each other everything still. I’ve no doubt in my mind that I’ll see her again someday, and I know for a fact that it’ll be as if we weren’t apart at all.

My third clue was when I had forgotten to keep up on the relationship with a friend (due to a very hectic work life), and instead of becoming insecure and upset, she just gently reached out to me asking me to go see a movie with her. I accepted, it was a Guillermo Del Toro movie, which happens to be one of my favorite types of movies. We both enjoyed it, and I realized that night that it was possible to have friends who lived their lives and allowed you to live your life while understanding that we won’t be in constant contact. The amount of love is still there, and I owe her a book that I didn’t end up having the money to get her. She’d never hold it against me though.

I’d say that it’s going to be hard to recognize your good friends from the not so good ones, but it’s an important thing to be able to do. It saves you from chasing the ones that never really wanted much to do with you, they were just bored or craved drama. It’ll save you the heartache when you’re a few years down the road and looking back at old pictures. This morning was the first time I looked at old pictures and instead of feeling my heart break over again, I felt relief that I was no longer caught up in the web of bad friends. Friendship really is forever, but it takes a true friend to create that bond. No matter how much you put into it, if they are not true friends, it will not last.

My only suggestion is this. Be one hundred percent true to yourself. If you don’t like something, you have to speak up and say so. If you’re feeling a way about something someone else has done, you have to tell them, and if they are true to your friendship, things will turn out alright. No relationship is perfect. There will be arguments or debates, and weeks to months of no talking. But the one thing you must always remember is that during these times, they will not try to hurt you by calling you names, talking behind your back, sharing your secrets or playing on your insecurities. They will still show respect and love or they will walk away before hurting you. These are your true friends, those that will grow with you and understand you.

“Don’t  walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
― Albert Camus

Family get togethers

It’s been roughly six years since I’ve been to a real family get together. I’ve been going to see my boyfriend’s family since we got into our own apartment and all of my family moved out of state. I’ve gone to visit of course, but there wasn’t much time to sit down and actually have a get together. And with my dad’s (ex) wife running most of the show, we couldn’t all gather at my grandparents like I was used to. It was always us all going to my dad’s (ex) wife’s parents house because they lived in this very beautiful house, too big for just two old people to be living in alone. I mean, there is a cat hidden somewhere in the house, but they hardly ever know where the damn thing is anyway. So each time I visited, if we went to my grandparents house it was just for a chat. No full blown family get together complete with potato salad and something grilled. (And dessert, always dessert.)

So today is my grandmother’s birthday. She’s the ripe old age of 63, but she acts 23 and I hope she lives to be 103. I love her with all my heart and I’ve missed being at her house for the holidays and for visits. She’s traveled the world, lived in Guam, The Philippines, Germany and many US States while my grandfather was in the air force. She’s an open mind and a very intelligent person (and beautiful.) I jumped at the idea of throwing her a surprise party. So grandpa calls me yesterday asking what I’ll be doing and of course I’m free and so is my dad. So we go over early, while grampa has gramma out for a mid day movie, and we clear off the dining room table and decorate while we wait for Aunt Kathe (technically my great aunt) to come over with her husband and the food. She brings the most adorable cake (which turns out to have a delicious middle of raspberry jam) and we get to setting up the charcoal grill for the food. We all have a grand ol’ time cleaning up and doing the dishes and preparing the house for this party while the grandparents are out.

Of course gramma realizes something’s up when they pull up and the garage is open and the grill is smoking (while it’s raining) and she gets out of the truck with a smile on her face. She’s wearing a beautiful (hippie style) blue and purple shirt with wing sleeves and a skirt. She’s beautiful. She comes around and gives us all hugs and kisses and thanks us all probably a million times before she goes inside and settles down on the couch to wait for dinner (which doesn’t take too long.) We go into the dining room and we chow down, poking fun at each other and telling stories and what not. I’m sure this part isn’t that different than most families, and yet this is the part I was craving. Having been going to my boyfriend’s family’s get togethers, each and every time I got sadder and sadder. Each and every time I began to realize what was so fake about it. We didn’t have this time where we all made each other feel better and loved. We didn’t really share that many laughs. It was always poking fun at one specific person (I’m sure they don’t mean it to be totally mean) and making them feel worse. It’s bitching and complaining about life. Not the good stuff. And I also missed the food. His family isn’t the best when it comes to food (though they do have a few dishes that are good) but since my family loves to cook and his mom can’t stand to cook, the difference is clearly laid out on the table. I’ve craved the love. I’ve craved the companionship and understanding.

I know my boyfriend misses his family dearly and I can’t blame him. It’s all he’s ever known, and I get that, but what I want him to see is that there is so much love to receive from my family. So much that even when we don’t see eye to eye I can over look that and keep on loving them. I can respect them enough to not want to hurt their feelings, which is rather unlike me.

I’ve missed my family, and I’m happy my grandmother got to enjoy it, but what she might never know is I may have enjoyed her 63rd birthday more than she will ever know. There’s something about family that you can’t bottle up and send in a package. There’s something about family that nobody else can ever give you, and as a child I never could see this. As an adult, I see it and I crave it. Even with the sore throat (and swollen tonsils) and the downpour of rain, today was exactly what I needed. I will be forever grateful for my grandparents, and I only hope that they can see how much I love them.

I hope that you feel the love from your family today and every day, and if for some reason you don’t, I hope you feel my love. My family was never perfect and there was a point in my life that I would never feel so happy around them, but things can change, and regardless of the broken ties in a family, there will always be love.