Greed

As I sit here in front of the computer, staring at the website I haven’t used in some time, I realize how unsuccessful I am. How painful it is to just sit in my own failure.

I’ve lost my job, and I have yet to get a license. I’m there, ready to take the driving test. But the driving test is off in the distance, can’t be scheduled immediately. Even so, losing my job means I have to use all of the money I had saved for a car until I get a job, and I don’t qualify for unemployment because I didn’t work in this state for all of 2016.

More of my own failure? Or have the circumstances set me up for failure? And are these circumstances a crutch that I rely on to feel like I couldn’t have done anything different?

That’s when the anxiety and depression settle in, for the long road ahead. They burrow into my dreams and my waking moments, whispering about the things I should have or could have done, whispering about all of the small moments that I failed and how they added up to the big failure.

I lay in bed at night wondering what tomorrow will bring, and if it will be good news or only more news of failure. I cook food and can’t eat it, my stomach is on it’s side. My brain knows I need sustenance, but my body doesn’t have that hunger anymore. And my inner self says not to give in, eat anyway. You have to, it’s the only way to battle the darkness. Take care of yourself, shower, drink tea, meditate, sleep.

But I don’t. I half ass all of it, I lose interest. It’s gone in the first moment that it arrived.

I feel the failure of my culture on my shoulders, every waking moment. And I take this in as my own failure. I see my loss of job as my own failure, even though I was laid off because the corporate monster decided my people weren’t worth the money and shut the place down. I see my failure to gain unemployment as my own failure, simply because I moved half way though the year and didn’t work enough in this state last year.

It’s all my failure, because I feel it. Because this world has given me this failure. And I’m so small that I can’t overcome it on my own, though I try.

Lack of car and license keeps me in this town, unable to search out a new beginning. I’m in the same place here that I was a year ago, unable to help myself. And I thought that I could do it. I thought by now I’d have a car and a job that I loved. Almost a year later, I’m sitting on my ass wondering what I could have done. And it’s not a matter of doing things the same way, I’ve done it all different this time, yet here I sit. Unemployed and depressed.

 

Remind me please. Remind me that this is the state of life in this country, on this planet. That the corporate monster has done this and try as we might, sometimes we cannot win.

I wish we could all stand up, this moment, and reclaim our lives and our land. Protect each other, and care for one another. I wish that I could reach out to the others who are like me, and rally our forces and change this world. But I’m just so small…

How To Make Blue-Green Algae Prism Water – FORGET GATORADE!

givemeninety

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First of all… ISN’T THIS THE COOLEST DRINK YOU’VE EVER SEEN??!!

This is the beauty that is Blue-Green Algae Prism Water.

Many of you may have already heard of the superfood SPIRULINA and it’s amazing benefits…

Maybe you haven’t – so check out THIS ARTICLE

I will provide the nutrition label below, but for now let me just say that this stuff is something you should definitely consider adding to your diet.

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Many people are turned off to the “ocean algae smell” of Spirulina, or even the fact that it’s called algae. But the point of eating algae is that it gets its energy directly from the sun. IT’S LIKE EATING THE SUN… OK, maybe not… but it contains so many minerals, many minerals that Americans are deficient in due to their SAD diet… (Standard American Diet)

What I am showing you today is a really FUN WAY to get…

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Mercury Retrograde

It’s at this point that many of you might turn and run. Mercury is in Retrograde, as of yesterday (31st). I’ve been seeing it’s effect since the 26th though.  I remember the first time I was aware of it too, I had just become really good friends with (a still good friend) who enlightened me to the idea that the planets could mess with us. Yeah, I didn’t believe it 100% at the time, I chalked it all up to superstition. But then, I believe that the moon has an effect on us, on a small level. I had believed that was all the placebo effect though, something I chose to believe so that each month I would have a day to renew and rejuvenate. That month however, I learned the ugly truth. Mercury fucks us when it goes retrograde. That month both my boyfriend and best friend went crazy. My boyfriend, who is highly emotional as it is, had a sort of break down, at the same time that we were discovering that my best friend was back into heroin. Not a good night. At all. I’m pretty sure that my work life was shit at that time too.

Anyway, I’ve tried to tread carefully during these times and since that one month last year, I’ve managed to handle the retrogrades well. Until now. Having just moved to a new state, I’m still learning the ropes and I have a job interview (today actually) and I’m helping my dad around the house and what not. As you might know, the Mercury retrograde tends to mess with communication, decisions, deals and travel. Travel is what’s being messed with here. My dad’s jeep died on the 26th of this month. Dead. Gone. Transmission locked up, missed two days of work. So he spends all day trying to get a loan to fix the stupid thing, and nobody is willing to help due to his bad credit (that his soon to be ex wife had the pleasure of ruining for him). So, he does the only thing he can. Trades in the broken jeep for less than a fourth of it’s value, puts that towards paying off the little that he owed, and signs his name in blood for a new car at the same dealership. So all is well we think. He’s gotta save up some money and it’ll be tight for a few weeks, probably for a month, but we will get through this. He won’t lose his job, he won’t miss any work and yay! Things are great now!

Don’t fool yourself. This morning he finds that there is a coolant leak in the car. OF COURSE! Now we are kind of back to square one, still waiting on some phone calls. He can borrow his dad’s truck for work, but now he’s got this laying neatly right back on his shoulders, and I feel just as stuck as him because I’m in no position to help. Hopefully (knock on wood) I get this job. I’ll let you guys know.

So, what can you do during a Retrograde?

Suggestion. Pray. Pull your tarot cards out. Cleanse your crystals. Meditate. Do yoga. Give up sugar. Drink massive amounts of tea. Smoke wacky-tobaccy. Put your coffee in a leak proof mug. Take precaution, and don’t make any big decisions. Don’t lock yourself into any big deals, like buying a car or a house unless you have to. Even then, double check everything.

I for one have started my day off with ultra creamy pumpkin spice coffee, took the black cat out on the leash (he loves the leash, and I gotta keep the black cat happy just in case). I sat in the fall-ish type weather and soaked up a bit of sun being thankful that the humidity has finally let up some for the rest of the week. I helped my dad get insurance on his new car, and (*update*) got the job. I feel like my luck is charged with positive energy right now and I’m going to cling to that energy without fear that it will leave. That’s it right there, try to bounce back quickly. When Mercury is in retrograde, it is not the time to worry. If you do, you run the high risk of attracting all that you are worried about. Attract that which you want and need, and know that this is only a hiccup in life and like anything else, it will pass in time.

What are some of the things that you can do during a retrograde to get life on the right track? Well, now is a good time to save money, just in case. Put some extra money into savings, and wait until after the retrograde is over to spend it, or use it for the things that go wrong during the retrograde. Go ahead and get some work done, make sure your car is working in proper order (wish I had known this before hand) or fix the leak under the sink. Don’t begin a serious relationship, but revitalize any current relationships you have, even if it’s not a romantic relationship. It’s important to keep clear and open communication during these times, as the Mercury retrograde effects communication and relationships. Most importantly, begin self work, or amp it up. Now is a good time to do so because believe it or not, the positive energy is stronger during this time, if you can focus on that instead of the negative.

Above all else, keep your head in the game, breath deep, and know that this too shall pass. 

What is happiness anyway?

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
Mahatma Gandhi

 

Happiness is something that I’ve always struggled to recognize. Having come from a troubled childhood, I was hardly shown the path to true happiness. In fact, the happiest times that I can remember were when I could go off and do my own thing (usually in the woods) far away from the people I lived with. During the times that I had my dad in my life, I also was happy, because he understood me. Unfortunately, relying on another to bring you happiness doesn’t work. I can’t always have my dad around, I know that one day he will pass away and what then? Will I live the rest of my life in a dark and lonely place? Will I refuse to turn on the lights or open a book? Luckily, I learned from my dad that happiness isn’t something you can seek out in others. It’s something you find, and it can come from anywhere.

When I was young, I lived in North Carolina. (Sunnyview NC I think.) Behind our house, which was on a hill, there was a beautiful wood. I would find myself wandering around by myself, and I couldn’t help but to get lost. I don’t mean that I got lost literally, I mean that hours would go by and yet I craved for more time to spend with the trees. This is a place that I still dream of, so much so that I had to write something to get my mind back to that place. I long for those trees, specifically the one that has the hump that I used to sit on. I have yet to find a tree that grew just for me to nap upon. I remember that as being the first place that I was truly happy, and that’s including the massive sunflower patch behind our townhouse in (Hendersonville) North Carolina. For the first time, I was alone and happy. Whatever happened to that?

What is happiness, anyway? Is it a feeling or a state of mind? Is it something that you can find or is it something that you create? I think it might differ between each person. For me, for a long time, it was something I chased and dreamed about. It was something that I might never get if I were to stay in my mom’s house. It was something that I didn’t deserve because according to her I was a bad child. I was made to feel as if I didn’t deserve the things that a normal child deserves. I was the reason I was so miserable. At such a young age, how could I have known that this was untrue? It wasn’t until my teen years that I began to realize how wrong my mother was, and how much I did deserve. Even now I have a problem accepting gifts from people. I still have that lingering feeling that I don’t deserve what they have to give. I think this is where happiness is vital in the quest to repair the damage done to me as a kid. It’s something I rarely experienced.

I find now that I usually catch myself being happy. (Oh no! I’m happy again!) It’s still a strange feeling to me, and to some that might make them sad. It might take away a little of their own happiness, but it doesn’t need to. I’m happy that I can actually feel this feeling. I can actually be in this state of mind. For so long I was afraid to be happy. I resisted the thought, which made it worse. Whenever someone told me that I was afraid to be happy I would laugh at them. Of course I’m not afraid to be happy, I long for it, so why would I be afraid of it? Silly me right? Of course I was afraid of it, because every ounce of happiness I had ever had would be stolen away from me by my own mother through my entire childhood. Even today she tries to whittle a little away at a time, but I’m wise to her games now. The unfortunate thing about it is that she isn’t aware of her own state of mind. She’s unaware that those little bombs that she plants are designed to steal the other person’s happiness away. That’s how she’s always gotten her happiness because her mom was worse than she.

Which means that happiness can’t be gained. It can’t be stolen or taken thus it cannot be fought for. We are all fighting for this thing, this elusive thing. If only we could catch it, but it can’t be caught either. It can’t be obtained in any way because (and listen closely, this is important) it’s already there. 

The entire time I lived with my mom I had happiness. Lets set the scene. I’m doing whatever it is I’m doing, say reading. My mom comes in and asks a question and I respond without looking at her (I can’t lose my spot on the page after all) and she then gets angry. Suddenly she’s slamming my door closed and bitching up a storm in the hallway. I keep myself occupied with my book which pisses her off further, but I know if I confront the situation it’ll get worse anyway. So I keep on reading. What happens next is where I learned my lesson. If I wouldn’t bring the fight to her, she would bring it to me. Her source of false happiness was to take mine from me, and since I am clearly happy in my room reading, she has no choice but to try to take it. So in comes my mom with her bitch storm and allegations. Fight. Always a fight, no matter how long I try to withhold myself from it, she would pick and pick until I couldn’t hold out anymore. My stone walls were only so thick. That’s all fine and dandy, we are only human after-all and sometimes our tops blow. But had I known back then that even then she couldn’t take my happiness from me, maybe things might have effected me less. We’d fight, and I’d come back to my room, to my book that lay face down and waiting, but my temperature was too high. I couldn’t calm down after the blow out, and so I didn’t pick that book back up for a while. I would roll the fight over in my mind, re-play and try to figure out what I had done so wrong to piss my mother off. She had won. She was now sitting in her bedroom watching Wheel of Fortune and I was hot headed on my bed trying to make sense of the world and berating myself for reacting to her crap. Had I known that if I had just picked that book back up and not let her negativity take over, I would have been happy yet again, like I originally was while reading the book in the first place.

There’s no sense in berating myself about all of this now, I can’t change it. But I can still learn from it, and I have. I’ve learned when to recognize when my mom is fishing for feelings she can play off of, and I’ve learned to not care. That’s the trick. 

You’re in the drive through and someone behind you honks at you even though you can’t move up in line, and then you get the wrong order and you’ve already had a bad day so all you wanted were some God damn’d french fries. You storm into the place with bag in hand, and yell that you need the proper order and your fries are cold. God damn it the fries are cold!!! You’re head’s so hot that the employees can see the steam rising, but you’ve just treated them like garbage so they take their sweet time which only makes you more angry. You see this cycle that’s forming? Rewind.

You’re in line after having a horrible day and you want some french fried goodness in your tummy. So you pull into the McDanks and ask for a large fry. The guy behind you is also impatient about getting his fries. (Damnit all you need in life is a bunch of fries!) But what can you do, really? Not that much. But you’re having quite a shit day and the fella behind you might be as well. You pull up to pay for those delicious potato sticks and decide to pay for the poor fella behind you who is too anxious to get his fries. Instead of giving you the wrong order, you end up with extra fries because you were nice enough to pay for the asshat that’s in the car behind you. The McDanks thanks you because they get to deliver good news, the guy behind you is happy because he saved a buck, you’ve got extra fries and your day has turned around a little. Maybe it’ll be a good day after all. I’ve seen this happen many times actually. I worked in a Dunkin Donuts, and almost every Friday there was a pay it forward in our drive through. People pull up with frowns and leave with a smile having paid for someone else’s coffee.

Now, I’m not saying that when you’re having a bad day you should go buy someone else’s fries. That can get to be expensive and there’s not guarantee that the employee will give you that extra fry. But happiness, and love, are actually free. Say you’re in line this time, inside the restaurant, and you’re having a horrible day and the kid with his mother behind you is just screaming. He also wants his french fries but he hates standing in line. What can you do? Turn and yell back? Bottle it in and get progressively more and more pissed off? Or maybe turn to the kid and say what everyone in line is thinking. “Hey, I want my fries too. Aren’t they so good?” He’ll probably be taken aback (most kids would be anyway) and stop crying long enough to evaluate the situation. During that time we can throw another question his way. “So, have you ever tried dipping them in barbecue sauce, like you do with your nuggets? It’s actually really good.”  At this point, you’ve probably stopped the melt down that was about to happen, and he’s probably going to answer you (provided he’s not actually a spoiled brat, In which case run to the nearest bar and grab a shot of whiskey). Mom’s happy, the employees are happy, you’re happy and the kid is happy and probably talking your ear off (or hiding behind mom because he’s actually shy. Go figure!) That was free and it ate up enough time that you’re now next in line! Hurrah!

My point is that happiness is always there, it’s just hidden in your perspective. You can choose to react negatively, or you can choose to react in a positive manner. I promise that if you make the latter the habit, you’ll find happiness in everything that you do. But don’t beat yourself up over your mistakes. They happen to everyone and nobody can do it 100% of the time. I’m over here just going on and on about being happy and how to do it but I’m going to be the first to tell you that the negative reaction is what you’re likely to get from me if you’re honking at me in a drive through. But I’ll carry that on, and I’ve done so in the past. I’m angry about this guy being an ass in the drive through, I decide I don’t care and later on when I am in the grocery store and see someone wandering up the aisle looking miserable, I shoot them a genuine smile. Most people will give me one back, and if I happen to see them later in the store, they are still wearing it.

Happiness begins with a smile.

So what is happiness to you?

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Just a small bit of happiness I found yesterday at the Indianapolis Canal

Family get togethers

It’s been roughly six years since I’ve been to a real family get together. I’ve been going to see my boyfriend’s family since we got into our own apartment and all of my family moved out of state. I’ve gone to visit of course, but there wasn’t much time to sit down and actually have a get together. And with my dad’s (ex) wife running most of the show, we couldn’t all gather at my grandparents like I was used to. It was always us all going to my dad’s (ex) wife’s parents house because they lived in this very beautiful house, too big for just two old people to be living in alone. I mean, there is a cat hidden somewhere in the house, but they hardly ever know where the damn thing is anyway. So each time I visited, if we went to my grandparents house it was just for a chat. No full blown family get together complete with potato salad and something grilled. (And dessert, always dessert.)

So today is my grandmother’s birthday. She’s the ripe old age of 63, but she acts 23 and I hope she lives to be 103. I love her with all my heart and I’ve missed being at her house for the holidays and for visits. She’s traveled the world, lived in Guam, The Philippines, Germany and many US States while my grandfather was in the air force. She’s an open mind and a very intelligent person (and beautiful.) I jumped at the idea of throwing her a surprise party. So grandpa calls me yesterday asking what I’ll be doing and of course I’m free and so is my dad. So we go over early, while grampa has gramma out for a mid day movie, and we clear off the dining room table and decorate while we wait for Aunt Kathe (technically my great aunt) to come over with her husband and the food. She brings the most adorable cake (which turns out to have a delicious middle of raspberry jam) and we get to setting up the charcoal grill for the food. We all have a grand ol’ time cleaning up and doing the dishes and preparing the house for this party while the grandparents are out.

Of course gramma realizes something’s up when they pull up and the garage is open and the grill is smoking (while it’s raining) and she gets out of the truck with a smile on her face. She’s wearing a beautiful (hippie style) blue and purple shirt with wing sleeves and a skirt. She’s beautiful. She comes around and gives us all hugs and kisses and thanks us all probably a million times before she goes inside and settles down on the couch to wait for dinner (which doesn’t take too long.) We go into the dining room and we chow down, poking fun at each other and telling stories and what not. I’m sure this part isn’t that different than most families, and yet this is the part I was craving. Having been going to my boyfriend’s family’s get togethers, each and every time I got sadder and sadder. Each and every time I began to realize what was so fake about it. We didn’t have this time where we all made each other feel better and loved. We didn’t really share that many laughs. It was always poking fun at one specific person (I’m sure they don’t mean it to be totally mean) and making them feel worse. It’s bitching and complaining about life. Not the good stuff. And I also missed the food. His family isn’t the best when it comes to food (though they do have a few dishes that are good) but since my family loves to cook and his mom can’t stand to cook, the difference is clearly laid out on the table. I’ve craved the love. I’ve craved the companionship and understanding.

I know my boyfriend misses his family dearly and I can’t blame him. It’s all he’s ever known, and I get that, but what I want him to see is that there is so much love to receive from my family. So much that even when we don’t see eye to eye I can over look that and keep on loving them. I can respect them enough to not want to hurt their feelings, which is rather unlike me.

I’ve missed my family, and I’m happy my grandmother got to enjoy it, but what she might never know is I may have enjoyed her 63rd birthday more than she will ever know. There’s something about family that you can’t bottle up and send in a package. There’s something about family that nobody else can ever give you, and as a child I never could see this. As an adult, I see it and I crave it. Even with the sore throat (and swollen tonsils) and the downpour of rain, today was exactly what I needed. I will be forever grateful for my grandparents, and I only hope that they can see how much I love them.

I hope that you feel the love from your family today and every day, and if for some reason you don’t, I hope you feel my love. My family was never perfect and there was a point in my life that I would never feel so happy around them, but things can change, and regardless of the broken ties in a family, there will always be love.