As I sit here in front of the computer, staring at the website I haven’t used in some time, I realize how unsuccessful I am. How painful it is to just sit in my own failure.
I’ve lost my job, and I have yet to get a license. I’m there, ready to take the driving test. But the driving test is off in the distance, can’t be scheduled immediately. Even so, losing my job means I have to use all of the money I had saved for a car until I get a job, and I don’t qualify for unemployment because I didn’t work in this state for all of 2016.
More of my own failure? Or have the circumstances set me up for failure? And are these circumstances a crutch that I rely on to feel like I couldn’t have done anything different?
That’s when the anxiety and depression settle in, for the long road ahead. They burrow into my dreams and my waking moments, whispering about the things I should have or could have done, whispering about all of the small moments that I failed and how they added up to the big failure.
I lay in bed at night wondering what tomorrow will bring, and if it will be good news or only more news of failure. I cook food and can’t eat it, my stomach is on it’s side. My brain knows I need sustenance, but my body doesn’t have that hunger anymore. And my inner self says not to give in, eat anyway. You have to, it’s the only way to battle the darkness. Take care of yourself, shower, drink tea, meditate, sleep.
But I don’t. I half ass all of it, I lose interest. It’s gone in the first moment that it arrived.
I feel the failure of my culture on my shoulders, every waking moment. And I take this in as my own failure. I see my loss of job as my own failure, even though I was laid off because the corporate monster decided my people weren’t worth the money and shut the place down. I see my failure to gain unemployment as my own failure, simply because I moved half way though the year and didn’t work enough in this state last year.
It’s all my failure, because I feel it. Because this world has given me this failure. And I’m so small that I can’t overcome it on my own, though I try.
Lack of car and license keeps me in this town, unable to search out a new beginning. I’m in the same place here that I was a year ago, unable to help myself. And I thought that I could do it. I thought by now I’d have a car and a job that I loved. Almost a year later, I’m sitting on my ass wondering what I could have done. And it’s not a matter of doing things the same way, I’ve done it all different this time, yet here I sit. Unemployed and depressed.
Remind me please. Remind me that this is the state of life in this country, on this planet. That the corporate monster has done this and try as we might, sometimes we cannot win.
I wish we could all stand up, this moment, and reclaim our lives and our land. Protect each other, and care for one another. I wish that I could reach out to the others who are like me, and rally our forces and change this world. But I’m just so small…