On Love

Love is supposed to free you of all of your baggage. Not because it diverts your mind from the baggage, but because only with love can you grow the wings strong enough to fly away from it. Love is supposed to be as beautiful as a full moon, or as brilliant as the sun.

I’ve only felt this kind of love once in my life. That’s not to say that people who’ve been in my life haven’t loved me. Of course, they have, but regardless of how much they loved me, I still found myself in a cloud of sadness at the end of the day. No, this new kind of love that I felt was true and pure, and I doubt if the person who gave it to me really understood what they gave me. Even to this day, I’m sure he does not know. With his love, I cut through those ties with my baggage, starting with the horrible relationship I had been in for 9 years. I thought love meant that you stay by someone regardless of how hard it gets, regardless of how much pain is inflicted. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

While I was still loving this other person, he wasn’t loving himself, and he certainly wasn’t loving me. I do believe he has love for me, but his actions were not out of love. They were out of self-loathing, and for this reason, I am sorry for him. I reacted with the same kind of love, and eventually, our relationship crashed. He burned, and I was reborn.

I had found love for myself. I found it in the eyes of another, who reflected back to me what I had always needed to see but never could. He became my mirror. All that I should have loved within myself, I loved in him. And it wasn’t until he and I split that I realized this. And I realized that it was real love, though it didn’t remain romantic.

He remains my very good friend, and through our romance and breakup, he’s never said a word in an attempt to hurt me, though I’ve not always been so calm. In the transition, I became angry. Not with him, but with myself. How could I be so inadequate that I couldn’t keep this love? And in our silence, I learned that really, I had been so happy with him because he made me love myself.

You’d think that after ending a relationship that held so much meaning, after leaving one that occurred during almost a decade of my life, I’d be a broken mess. And I thought I would be too. I’m not. I’ve learned to love, not just him or myself, but everyone. And when you slip on those rose-colored shades, you find a few more reasons to smile. If I could find the proper words to thank him for leading me to happiness, I would thank him every day. Something like that can only be felt, and I truly hope that one day, you feel it too.

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PSA that you should read

I’m going to push this with all of my heart and soul right now. 
All of it. 
There is a plant, and while this plant isn’t some of the other plants that we have come to love such as cannabis, opium or ya know, kale, it is a rather important plant. 
It’s name as you might hear it is Milkweed. As a botanist would call it; Asclepias
This plant looks benign. It’s flowers aren’t the most wonderful, though they tend to be fragrant. Their flowers are small, and clustered. Their leaves can be anything from flat and fuzzy to long, thin and waxy. And when plucked or ripped, they bleed a milky substance, hence the name. And probably the most common is simply called Common Milkweed. 


Why am I telling you about this plant? 
Because of the Monarch Butterfly. If you don’t live in the US, you probably don’t need to worry much about it too much, however a simple share of this valuable knowledge can find its way to someone who might need to know it. 

The monarch butterfly lays its eggs on the milkweed, and only the milkweed. The caterpillars that hatch eat the milkweed, and only the milkweed. 
This is why this plant is so valuable. Because now that this plant is being torn up by its fragile roots, the monarch suffers. 

So I’m writing this PSA in hopes that I might spread the word about this plant, and hopefully help it, and by extension help the Monarchs. 
So please. If you see this plant in your yard, save it. Nurture it. And if you’re active in conservation efforts, plant it, along with other butterfly attracting plants. 
I have images of common milkweed. I have yet to find any others in the wild, but a google search will get you to those that grow in your area.
 


Greed

As I sit here in front of the computer, staring at the website I haven’t used in some time, I realize how unsuccessful I am. How painful it is to just sit in my own failure.

I’ve lost my job, and I have yet to get a license. I’m there, ready to take the driving test. But the driving test is off in the distance, can’t be scheduled immediately. Even so, losing my job means I have to use all of the money I had saved for a car until I get a job, and I don’t qualify for unemployment because I didn’t work in this state for all of 2016.

More of my own failure? Or have the circumstances set me up for failure? And are these circumstances a crutch that I rely on to feel like I couldn’t have done anything different?

That’s when the anxiety and depression settle in, for the long road ahead. They burrow into my dreams and my waking moments, whispering about the things I should have or could have done, whispering about all of the small moments that I failed and how they added up to the big failure.

I lay in bed at night wondering what tomorrow will bring, and if it will be good news or only more news of failure. I cook food and can’t eat it, my stomach is on it’s side. My brain knows I need sustenance, but my body doesn’t have that hunger anymore. And my inner self says not to give in, eat anyway. You have to, it’s the only way to battle the darkness. Take care of yourself, shower, drink tea, meditate, sleep.

But I don’t. I half ass all of it, I lose interest. It’s gone in the first moment that it arrived.

I feel the failure of my culture on my shoulders, every waking moment. And I take this in as my own failure. I see my loss of job as my own failure, even though I was laid off because the corporate monster decided my people weren’t worth the money and shut the place down. I see my failure to gain unemployment as my own failure, simply because I moved half way though the year and didn’t work enough in this state last year.

It’s all my failure, because I feel it. Because this world has given me this failure. And I’m so small that I can’t overcome it on my own, though I try.

Lack of car and license keeps me in this town, unable to search out a new beginning. I’m in the same place here that I was a year ago, unable to help myself. And I thought that I could do it. I thought by now I’d have a car and a job that I loved. Almost a year later, I’m sitting on my ass wondering what I could have done. And it’s not a matter of doing things the same way, I’ve done it all different this time, yet here I sit. Unemployed and depressed.

 

Remind me please. Remind me that this is the state of life in this country, on this planet. That the corporate monster has done this and try as we might, sometimes we cannot win.

I wish we could all stand up, this moment, and reclaim our lives and our land. Protect each other, and care for one another. I wish that I could reach out to the others who are like me, and rally our forces and change this world. But I’m just so small…

How To Make Blue-Green Algae Prism Water – FORGET GATORADE!

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First of all… ISN’T THIS THE COOLEST DRINK YOU’VE EVER SEEN??!!

This is the beauty that is Blue-Green Algae Prism Water.

Many of you may have already heard of the superfood SPIRULINA and it’s amazing benefits…

Maybe you haven’t – so check out THIS ARTICLE

I will provide the nutrition label below, but for now let me just say that this stuff is something you should definitely consider adding to your diet.

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Many people are turned off to the “ocean algae smell” of Spirulina, or even the fact that it’s called algae. But the point of eating algae is that it gets its energy directly from the sun. IT’S LIKE EATING THE SUN… OK, maybe not… but it contains so many minerals, many minerals that Americans are deficient in due to their SAD diet… (Standard American Diet)

What I am showing you today is a really FUN WAY to get…

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The True Power of the Sun

I sit outside, absorbing the sun. Wondering if I might be the only one who understands it’s power. These days the only power anyone can see is money. They don’t see how plants reach out of the darkness in search of the sun. They don’t see how our bodies crave it or how we start to go insane without it. Their power is an off brand shade of mint green. It’s printed and sold as if it’s rare, but really there is plenty to go around. Really, we don’t even need it. I sit here, little ol’ me, experiencing the universe. Existing only to exist. Think about it. What goes to the grave with us? Not money. Not fame. I believe it is only our experiences that go with us. I believe that we are recycled into the universe indefinitely to experience life in every form.

There Are Four Days Until NaNoWriMo 2016

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I suppose the title says enough. There are four days now until November first. As some of you might know, November first, for some, marks the beginning of the years most hectic month, but not because of Christmas shopping and turkey basting. It’s hectic because we get to begin a lot of that and write a novel. If you haven’t already read my first NaNoWriMo post, I encourage you to do so here. I won’t go over survival tips at this time, since I have some of the main ones in the last post. I am here to encourage you.

I didn’t do NaNo the first year I learned of it. I thought my friends were nuts for trying to do such a thing, especially since we were all in high school at the time. I had been writing but everything I wrote was small. Mostly short stories and poems. I didn’t think a high schooler was capable of writing something that long, after all we were still learning the basics, weren’t we? I was mistaken of course, and it wasn’t until the next year that I realized it. As my friends became more and more comfortable with sharing their work, I started to realize that someone so young could still write well regardless of how many classes they took. Writing isn’t about how many classes you have under your belt, nor is it about how official the writing is. What I learned is that to be a writer, you have to write. You can’t wait until you’re ready to write. You have to just do it, and poorly. You write poorly for however long it takes until you learn on your own what your own voice sounds like. Each writer has their own voice, and the words you use only help your voice, but no matter how many fancy words you throw in there, your voice is still your voice. So just write.

I can barely even share my writing with the world, but I’m going to write a novel. I already have a novel written, and two half complete novels. Those were the stories I  gave up on and then proceeded to beat myself up over. What kind of writer gives up on their writing? Truth is, most. In fact, they all might have given up on a story at one time or another. Not all stories are meant to be published, or even finished. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just suggest not giving up on each and every story, there are some that will sweep you away in the blink of an eye and you’ll be along for the journey just as your readers will be. Writing is fun and I encourage you to seek out the thrill of writing a story. It’s addicting too, so before you know it you’ll have plenty of notebooks filled up with different colored inks and quotes wrapped around your wrists and arms. Trust me, that was our thing in high school.

Don’t give up, if you’ve considered participating in a NaNoWriMo season, I strongly suggest you go along with it. The mere curiosity is proof enough that you are ready, otherwise you’d be wondering about cutting out paper snowflakes or which dumplings are best, the poofy light ones that float to the top of the gravy or the ones that are dense and doughy and sink to the bottom. You’re wondering about writing, writing a novel at that, so I say you’re ready. The time doesn’t get more perfect than it is now, with NaNo in just four days. You even have enough time to plan, considering most seasoned WriMo’s don’t even do that much before November first.

Give it a try, I promise you’ll like it.

Two Weeks In: The Beginning Of A Vegetarian Life?

So, a little over two weeks ago I stated that I was going to try and remove meat from my diet. I was reluctant to say the word vegetarian, however. I couldn’t even say it to my boyfriend, or my family. I told them “I want to eat as little meat as possible.” Yeah, that’s why I went out on payday and bought all of the veggies I could get my hands on. Seriously. I never used to buy so many veggies, and if I did chances are they were frozen. Now, there isn’t anything wrong with frozen veggies, let me start there. But this time around, instead of my frozen corn and brussel sprouts, I got all sorts of lettuces that I’ve never tried, broccoli, carrots, artichokes, green onions, cilantro and that’s just the few that come to the top of my head. I’ve never really had room in my budget for fresh produce because I was saving most of my money for meat.

That’s the first thing I noticed, more money for the things that make me feel good, that until now were a luxury. Really. Artihcokes were a luxury. I couldn’t condone spending a whole dollar on the worlds smallest artichoke, when you only get such a tiny amount to eat from them. I bought two, and it didn’t even hurt. I couldn’t condone spending so much on herbs that I could just grow, so I’ve rarely bought herbs from a store unless they were dried. (And I still think growing them is the preferred method.) I even spent the extra dollar to buy dried beans because you get more in a bag than you do in a can. I’ve never even had a reason to do so until now. But beans are soon to be my main course in at least a few meals, I have the reason to get all fancy with my beans.

Why does it all feel so fancy? Buying fresh produce feels freakin’ fancy right now. And that’s not even considering the food I’ve made with it. Walking out of the super market with a paper bag (one paper bag, already less waste!) full of produce is kind of fancy. That’s what you see in comercials on prime time tv. It feels fancy because meat was always my mian course, meat is expensive, I never had the extra money for the produce to go with the meat, unless it was potatoes and an onion.

So, that’s my shopping experience. Filling up my cart with produce as my boyfriend shops for the biggest piece of meat that he can find that won’t break his wallet and will feed him for a week, I’ve got the whole top part of the cart full and he’s got just one measly package of meat and some cheese in his (and eventually he grabbed greenbeans to make stew). Onto the kitchen. I spent that afternoon cooking.I made myself some sesame noodles, which turned into a few lunches last week. I also made some rice and bean concoction, mixing crushed tomatoes, cheddar cheese, cilantro, green onion and carrots into it. This became the stuffing for some tortilla burritos, which became the other half of my lunches for the week. I had already been having overnight oats for breakfast in the mornings, so that was a quick and easy thing to make up every couple of nights. Then I had to figure out something for dinners, which wasn’t terribly hard. One of the nights I went out with my dad and his girlfriend, and I decided to try a veggie calzone with mushrooms, olives and broccoli. That turned out to be delicious, and I have no regrets. I had the two artichokes another night, stir fried broccoli, mushrooms, onions, sesame noodles and carrots another night. My favorite by far however was this recipe for roasted four cheese spaghetti squash. I could eat that every day, and I only had to make on change to it. Instead of using chicken boullion, I simply used a few spices I would put on a chicken myself, only because I’m not sure what “chicken powder” is, and that was the main ingredient in the boullion cube.

I’ve found, within the first two weeks, the most important tips a new vegetarian could find. Prep your meals. Always. Prep them, and also, shop for certain recipes. Make sure you’re buying what you need, rather than random things that you’ll throw together later in the week. Make sure what you’re buying can go together, or you risk having to go out again in the week for more ingredients, or whole meals. The second tip I’ve found is to not worry about your label. I feel odd calling myself vegetarian, I am afterall a very very new vegetarian. So am I really a vegetarian? I’m not a seasoned vegetarian anyway, so the word still leaves something of an aftertaste in my mouth. Forget labels. You’re not a vegetarian, you’re not anything. Just a human trying to eat, which happens to be humanities favorite past time, we even do it while experiencing our other favorite past times. When addressing my family, and my new diet, I left out the world vegetarian. They were the first to call me anything, and it was okay. No weird after taste, just pure conversation as I explained the things that turned me onto this new life style.

Turns out, I’m liking this a lot. I’m not finding many difficulties with it, and I’m already seeing good side effects. The most obvious was the money situation. I’m not struggling to keep my cart below a certain amount, in fact I’m struggling to spend everything in the budget. But I’m also mostly headache free, I’ve had one over the past two weeks, which is like  an all time low. I’m regular in the bathroom (sorry if that’s tmi, but it’s important even if we don’t talk about it.) I find that I have more energy already, I don’t get tired until sun down, where before I was yawning as early as noon. I’m finding that I’m fuller longer, and when I am full it’s not uncomfortable. I think these are all good things, and I’ll keep you updated on whatever else I notice.

The first two weeks have been successful, and I think this week I’ll be trying a new recipe. Something comforting as we fall into the fall season, litearlly. Roasted Garlic Cauliflower Chowder. I’ll let you all know how it goes!